Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
