I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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