Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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