Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
