you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
