Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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