Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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