i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
