She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
