The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
so let's talk penis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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