I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
