somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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