I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
