we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
