It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
