well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
