my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
