as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
