Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I smell like Dick and happiness
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
