There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.