I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄