Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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