when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
