Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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