Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
