That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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