sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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