Dude my mom stole all your condoms
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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