I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
