I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
