i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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