you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
