there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
