I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just want nice things and good sex
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
