she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
