I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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