seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
