He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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