My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
