You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
