You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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