I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
