She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
