Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
