So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
