I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
