Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
