I threw up into my coffee this morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
pop tarts are not kleenex
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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