So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
