I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
