I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
