He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
