Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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