Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
