Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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