Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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