I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
