im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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