went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
