When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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